My living hell...a long post about my fight with domestic violence

This is something I have wanted to post for a long time, but wasn't quite sure exactly how to start it or word it. I have considered becoming a domestic violence advocate, because as most of you know I went through my own personal living hell for probably 5 years all together. I figured that if I blogged about it and if just one person reads my story it can help them find the strength they need to get out of a situation they may be in then I am on my way to helping others the way I want to. So here it goes...

My freshman year my mom and I moved to Tooele, because her and my dad had gotten back together. I didn't know too many people, but I slowly started making finds here and there. One of my friends said her cousin had a crush on me, and come to find out he was my next door neighbor. So my friend introduced me to "neighbor boy" and that's where things began. We hung out for a few weeks and shortly after that became a couple. The first 7 or 8 months were perfect! He did everything he could to make me happy. He supported me in my dancing, and my parents loved him! Then I made the cheerleading squad, and he started getting very possessive. He didn't like that I was doing cheerleading, because he said I looked like a slut in the outift. He did everything he could to sabotage my cheerleading life, and evenutally it branched out into other aspects of my life. I wasn't allowed to talk to my friends that I had made. I was even questioned when I would go with family. I was accused of cheating on him at family events. I was so "in love" that I just started to withdraw myself and follow his orders so that I could keep him happy and keep things great with us.

I didn't take long from the time the emotional abuse started for the physical abuse to start. I will never forget the first time he physically hurt me. He was mad at me about leaving for cheer camp and he pinched me on the inside of my leg so hard I cried! I saw this look in his eye that scared me, but I blamed myself, of course, and vowed to make sure I didn't do anything else to make him mad enough to look at me that way again. It sounds stupid I know, but I was young, dumb and had already been belittled by him so much that I had no self esteem. Neighobr boys physical abuse only continued to get worse and worse over time. He would hit me constantly for what I see now as no reason at all. He got "smart" after a while and would only hit me in the back of the head, because they wouldn't be visible bruises if he did that. I would have multiple bruises at a time. I don't think he went a single day without hitting me for years. He knocked me competely unconcious more than once.

After a while it seemed to get old for him and he broke up with me. I was heartbroken, but also worried that I would never find anyone else because according to him I was fat (I was a size 3 for hellsake, so I was anything but fat!) and ugly and nobody would ever love me the way he did. After a month or so I started to gain a small amount of my confidence back and even started hanging out with other guys once in a while. Neighbor boy didn't like that at all!!! He came back to me begging me to give him another chance. Swearing to me that he would never lay his hands on me again. He bought me flowers and did everything he could. My parents by this point hated him with every ounce of their being, and refused to let me see him or talk to him. I fell for his bullshit, and went back to him only this time I had to sneak around to be with him. Again things were great for a little bit, but after a couple of weeks the viscious cycle started again. I tried to remain strong, but he tore me down bit by bit. I caught him cheating on me many times, and finally one time I said I was done. I broke up with him. He came to school the next day and my cousin (being the smart ass that she is) walked by him and said "I'm glad my cousin broke up with your worthless ass! You don't deserve her!" Neighbor boy flipped out and right there in front of everyone he picked up a wooden horse (the ones they jump over in gym) and threw it at her. He missed her with that, but ran up to her and punched her in the face. Everyone was on top of him faster than he ever could have imagined! That was the first time we ever pressed charges on him for domestic violence, but not the last.

I moved on again trying to get my life in order. Jumping into school activities, friends, my school work, etc. Again once he saw how happy I was he begged and pleaded and did everything he could to prove that he was going to do right by me, and never treat me that way again. He was in counseling and blah, blah, blah. It was all just talk, but I fell for it. We continued on that way for years. Each time he hit me it got scarier and scarier. I was afraid I was going to end up dead, and I am so lucky that I didn't. Then my senior year I found out I was pregnant, and if I thought I was under control before man was I in for a rude awakening! He played the game claiming that it wasn't his and that I was a whore and would probably never know who my baby's dad was. He told me that my kid was going to come out ugly like me. He tore me down even more, and I truly didn't think that was possible. I was no longer allowed to even look at anyone else or even look out the window when we were driving. I had to stare down at the ground, because if I didn't I was accused of wanting to F*#K whatever guy happened to be in the car I was looking at (if even I hadn't seen that there was a guy in the car), and that would give him reason to hit me even more. When I was on my lunch at school I was expected to write him a note everyday, because if I didn't I was "doing somebody in the bathroom". Ridiculous right! I know, and I know everyone says I would never let myself get into something like that but it's a lot harder to get out of than you think. I would threaten to leave him, and he would threaten to kill my family. I was scared to go out and start my car everyday, because I was afraid he would make a bomb so that when I started my car I would blow up inside it. I am so lucky that Sydney made it through my pregnancy, because he had hit me in the stomach more than once. One time he got mad at me, for God only knows what, and he threw a plate at me. It hit my arm and took a huge chunk of skin out of it. I should've gone to the hospital to have it stitched up, but I didn't want to have to tell my mom what happened. He told me I should've gone, because it was an emergency and he wouldn't get in trouble for leaving his house (he was on house arrest at the time). Sweet of him huh.

When I had Sydney he and I had been broken up for a month or so, and the day I got home from the hospital he called threatening to call the cops on us for not letting him see his daughter. My mom told him he could come by the next day, but that it was too late and Sydney and I were going to bed. He came over the next day to see her and acted all sweet and sincere, and asked if I would go with him to take her around to his family so they could see her. I was hesitant, because I knew I was vulnerable and that if he got me alone I would probably give into him begging once again for me to forgive him. I was dumb too, and I went with him. As the cycle will show he was sweet and loving at first, and was a great dad to Syd....until Father's Day. Syd was a month old, and he asked me if she could stay the night with him. I was NOT about to leave my baby, so he told me to ask my mom if I could stay with him too. My mom obviously said no, and he freaked out. He didn't touch me, but he was yelling and screaming about how I was 18 years old and how could I let my mom control my life like that and that I would never grow up. He left his apartment and when he pulled out he was acting CRAZY!!!! I called my mom and begged her to come get me, because I was scared. I told her I was going to start walking, because I was afraid of what he would do when he came back. He showed up as I was walking out the door, and when I told him I was going to meet my mom he hit me and shoved me all while I was holding our month old child. My mom called the cops when we got home, and that night neighbor boy went to jail for domestic violence. He spent about 6 months is all.

I stayed away from neighbor boy for the next 3 years, and I still to this day don't know what possessed me to go back after so long! When I did his family assured me that he had gotten help and had even been in healthy relationships since. We moved in together, because my parents said that if I was going to have him be a part of my life I wasn't allowed to live with them. We had a lot of fun for a while, but shortly after we moved in together the control started. He was pissed when my mom would call me, because in his words "she didn't need to call so much". If he had to work and I didn't I was in trouble if the house wasn't perfectly spotless when he got home. I was in trouble if Dominic cried. I was in trouble for everything. He still hadn't laid a hand on me at this point, but I had a feeling it wasn't far off and I was regretting very much being back with him. When he did it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been in the past, but I wasn't going to sit around and wait for it to get that bad again so I called the cops on him and I moved out. I had to have the cops there when I was moving and the whole time he followed me around our place telling me that he was going to stab me with the screwdriver and that he could have me dead before the cop would even be able to get into the room. He said he didn't care if he went to jail or prison for killing me, because as long as I was dead his mission would be accomplised.

I moved on with my life living in a constant state of fear as I always had. I started dating Anthony, but at that point things we're pretty off and on with us. I moved into my own place on 5th street and neighbor boy started stalking me and even started stalking Anthony. I was pissed! I was doing everything I could to move on with my life, and he was doing everything he could to try to stop me. One day I was at my friends house laying out and he drove by. When he saw us there he stopped in front of her house and was telling me to come talk to him. When I wouldn't he started running towards me, and told me to wait until I was alone because he was going to kill me. I called the cops, but they didn't do shit about it. I hate our cops and the legal system, because when I have needed them they haven't done anything for me. The following night I was sleeping on my living room floor with Sydney and I got a text at about midnight from the creep that said "I see you" I responded with just go away and leave me alone. He wrote back "Knock, knock open up" I again begged him to leave, but he wouldn't and he was staring at me through my window getting a kick out of how scared I was. The house I was living in was really old and the windows didn't lock or even have screens on them, and so the next thing I know he is climbing through my bedroom window. I made sure Syd was still sleeping, and I went in there. He was drunk! He started taking off his belt and told me that he was going to tie me up and take me to kill me, and nobody would ever know where I was. I believed him. I did everything I could to calm him down, because all I wanted was for him to be out of my life forever! I don't know what finally did it, but he left and I was safe for another night.

A few days later he called me and was telling me we needed to be together, and I told him I couldn't do it. I couldn't take the abuse anymore, and that my kids deserved better than that. I didn't realize he was right outside my house while this conversation was going on. It was 9 Am on September 1, 2004. I had my deadbolt locked and was in my kitchen getting my kids breakfast, and next thing I know my front door flies open and pieces go everywhere. He ran in and started hitting me and kicking me. The whole time my poor kids stood by screaming and watching the whole thing. He kept telling them to shut up before someone heard them. I didn't fight back. I was too scared to. I did try to talk to him to calm him down, but nothing was working. He shoved me to the ground and picked me up by my hair and kneed my in the nose. He kept trying to drag me into my room which was in the back of the house, but my instincts told me that if he got me back there I would never come out alive so I fought to stay in my kitchen. He started going through my things and found something that pissed him off, so he came over and headbutted me in the mouth. Then he ran to my knife drawer and reached for my knives, and while his back was turned I threw open my door and ran out with my kids. He yelled for me to come back saying he wouldn't hurt me if I did, but I'm not that dumb. I admit that staying with him and going back all those times was dumb, but I wasn't dumb enough to go back in that house. When I ran out I saw my neighbor in his yard and screamed for him to call 911. He brought me and my kids into his house, and took care of us until my mom and the cops could get there. I will forever be grateful to that man. Neighbor boy had taken off as soon as he saw my neighbor, and the cops didn't find him for 3 weeks. I stayed with my parents while he was on the loose, and until my front door could get fixed. For that whole incident he spent a year in jail. Can you believe that a year for all that hell myself and my kids had went through?!?!?! That is why I hate our justice system.

Neighbor boy is out and terrorizing another poor innocent girl, and although I wish I could help her I know I can't. I wish I could reach out to every person who has been through abuse, so that I could tell them that there are people there for them and that regardless what their abusers say they will still be lovable if they leave them and that life will go on. Mine has. I am happier now than I ever could have imagined, and I thank God everyday that I made it out of all that alive!